Tuesday, May 17, 2011

My Mind is Reality, isn't it?!

It’s funny how we try to predict life, create storylines and fairytales in our minds of what the future will be like. Where we will live, what we will do, who we will spend our time with. It’s funny how these fairytales rairly reflect reality. Not to say that’s a good or bad thing, but simply that our minds reality is different from the reality that exists around us.

Take for example, my moving to Winnipeg. Before coming here, I did research on organizations, events, and so on that were part of Winnipeg. After doing this research I started to form ideas and fairytales about what my life would be like here, how I would spend my time, and where I would work. Insert reality. Now being here the story is quite different.

My life is uncertain. My mind continues to run around in circles being in love with the moment, then scared about my future, then confused as to what the heck I am doing with my life. What the heck am I doing? It’s a good question. I am obsessed with immediate answers, but life is not immediate, yet trying to rest into patience is also hard, because I feel like I am wasting my time. I feel like there is so much potential to better myself, and when I sit around and do nothing (like this morning…it is now noon, I have been up for over 3 hrs, and have not left the house) I feel as though I am not grabbing my life by the horns. And yet, I also realize that this notion is somewhat silly, because to grab lifes horns we sometimes need patience, oh those horns.

Ok, so take the serious of events that have befalled me since I arrived in Winnipeg 5 days ago. I arrived and almost immediately got a job at a resturant here. Sweet, I can pay rent! Then I got another job with an environmental group, ever more sweetness. However, I went to my first shift at the resturant yesterday and I just couldn’t do it. As a vegan, I have strong feelings/morals/values…whatever you want to call them…towards eating meat, and, this resturant served meat. It just hurt my heart every time I served customers meat: I was promoting something I stand against! When my shift ended I knew I couldn’t continue, I had to quit. And so I spend the entire night tossing and turning as my mind went in circles thinking about how to break the news, is this the right choice, etc. I was a nervous reck because it was through the generosity of people I knew that I got the job, so I had to quit without causing tension! Intense! But I did it and this morning I quit. An end to that fairytale.

Oh the minds fairytales. So my life is in a state of confusion, turmoil, unrest. Everyday I struggle to find some control, which often causes more harm then not as I get kinda stressed about the control thing.

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