Sunday, January 30, 2011

internal looking

Right now I am stuck. Stuck in this perpetual cycle of living to live, with everything I do feeling as though it is for me, to built my castle, my little dream world, and I don’t like it. (side note, this entry is more of a reflection on myself, my internal land rather then the physical world I see around me, end side note). I am struggling to find a way to connect myself to others, to bring my life greater meaning through helping others, or at least just building bridges. But perhaps that is still echo-centric. It’s a tricky situations, yet I feel very much like an isolated island right now, and as the days pass I notice how it is driving me a little crazy.

Its funny, because I feel like my life is very “perfect” right now, and therefore to complain about something seems wrong. I feel almost guilty to say that I am not over the top! Yet I am not. I find I am struggling with my lack of deep personal connections my life has with others. Yet what is stopping me? What is making this is impossible? And how do I change my life to solve this problem? Is it a problem?

Having just returned home (to my studio loft) from a friend’s book launch I reflect on the number of people that were there, and the support from such diverse areas in her life. She was such an insiring person in my life, and I doubt she even knows it. We lived in the same residence and she helped me stretch my boundaries, something that has helped me adventure to different coutries across the world. So how many people are there like that in my life that are priceless and don’t even know it? And to how many people am I that person? Perhaps I am not that person to anyone, and if so, that brings me some sadness, yet why? Why is that sad? I think maybe because that means that my existence does not hold any worth for anyone. Its funny how we crave for others to see worth in us, perhaps it is to ensure to ourselves that there is, somewhere, worth in ourselves, even when we don’t see any.

Anyways, its interesting. I feel like it would be nice to have more selve reflection time, more artistic time, more community outreach time. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job, but its very rigid, as you would expect an eingeering job to be, and it leaves little room for singing and dancing, for colouring outside the lines, and for playing hop-scotch with kids.

With all this said, I feel like I am a slave to money. To my apartment, and to my bills. Money has never been something I want to define my life with, yet I feel like I am letting it do exactly that. I am very thrifty, sometimes to a fault, with my money. Yet as I think about how much I could make as an engineer I start to day dream of all the things I could do with all that money…yet I also don’t want all that money if it means not being in love with life, and the everyday life! Not just the vacations, or weekends, but the days and daily tasks too. What I do know, is I need to try to let go of attachments, of daydreams of what tomorrow with be, because the future is unpredictable, and without flexibility how can we be open to opportunity!

So I am trying, and with continue to search for a solution to my need for human connection and belonging. If you read this whole post, thanks for listening, its nice to know that someone cares, I hope I can do the same for you someday.